Hard as it may be to conceive, there was a time before there was a Lead Mountain; a time before time itself; a time before memory and ‘membering, before even that glooming Spider Queen, or her long-suffering scrivener. Though few recall or care to remember the darkness of those days, still there were things crawling in that primordial ooze that might even today be a matter of some interest to the passer-by. Legend holds that this era was called The 70s, and if the televisual media of the day is anything to judge by, they were cold, cruel, greyish brown, miserable and a bit rubbish. Of course your brown-flared-corduroy-dungaree-clad typist missed out on this, because he was only a baby. The first thing he recalls is in fact the 80s.
The 80s are seemingly the basis for the current Retro fad. Retro is in. Retro is all the cool things from the past; The stuff we get nostalgic about, remember fondly and warmly, usually from our childhood or formative years. Computers that used sound to load games. Bicycles shaped like ‘real’ motorcycles. Transformers shaped like real cars. Cartoons that weren’t just explosions and shouting for 20 minutes. Paradoxical, because in reality a lot of these things were actually terribly shit. You couldn’t even stay in the same room as a loading ZX Spectrum, there was no safe way to ride a chopper without actually dying, and the cartoons were badly animated and generally loaded down with morals, or a fourth-wall breaking monologue about teamwork or not smoking at the end. As for the Transformers: OMG so hard. It is known that the only Transformers anyone could competently transform without breaking were your own, and they were probably covered in lead paint anyway. (And we wargamers really listened to THAT nugget of Safety Information.) Rose-tinted spectacles leave scars, man.
Not so THE LORD OF THE RINGS.
Similarly a product of the 70s, but first viewed as a child on Betamax (it’s the better quality format y’know) whilst the young scribe built elaborate fortresses with precarious bridges (for all know that precarious bridge is best bridge) from cardboard tubes, stationary supplies and cereal boxes, and re-fought battles to the stirring ‘March of the Orcs’, using the PBS1 Citadel Skeleton Horde plastics, and HeroQuest pieces (A handy guide to recreating these events has been helpfully enshrined for future historians here.) Ralph Bakshi’s Animated Lord of the Rings is still exactly how you remember it. Fucking BRILLIANT. *
The youngling scribbler didn’t mind that the film appeared to end without finishing the tale, for as a Reader of Books he knew full well that LOTR was made up of several very large, very long volumes, so a sequel would probably come out in due time. (Recall if you will that this is still the era where it took YEARS for a film to move to television, so long delays were expected, and there was no way to check up on progress, no IMDB, no Wiki, no nothing. How anybody knew anything is a mystery).
Four decades have passed in the Shire since the cinematic release of Animated Lord of the Rings. An excellent interview with the man himself here gives great insight into such matters as ‘executive misunderstanding’ and ‘studio interference’, with the mild glimmer of hope that now certain players are gone, Bakshi is not against completing the work. It seems surprising that given the prevalence of computer technology in cinema, nobody has particularly tried to do any fanservice for this project. It isn’t that hard: this band did it: https://youtu.be/3kY8-Vhiq7w?t=31
At the time of such an epoch-making anniversary, it seemed only right that the Lead Mountain scrivener concentrate his efforts on a recent idea/project, exhume some ancient models, mix in some new ones, and create something suitable for the occasion.
The primary source of fodder for this project was this: Grenadier Miniatures ‘Fantasy warriors’ game-in-a-skip.
Sadly no copy of this game is extant in the mines or anywhere else, although the rules themselves are available in pdf format here. However, many of the plastic orcs were to be found in the mountain, not far from a dusty chamber full of discarded scimitars and a burned book. The project began as a simple Dragon Rampant Warband that could be painted to completion in a day or so, but rapidly got out of hand, and is turning into a full blown army. (Yes, one worthy of Mordor.)
Em4 Miniatures still stock these ugly plastic beauties, with their primary selling point being that they are cheap. Pound for pound they may be the cheapest dedicated wargaming miniatures on the market. Sadly there are only 3 poses for each faction but in a rank-and-flank game, that may not be particularly problematic, and when paying tribute to an animated army with whole brigades of cardboard extras,it is positively compulsory.
The jutting jawlines are wonderfully reminiscent of Bakshi’s orcs, and the ape-like stances are spot on. The cast-on bases are 25mm square, with rounded off corners, , much akin to the Heroquest miniatures of yore. Some effort had to be applied to remove the mould-lines, but generally these orcs are more than acceptable for purpose.
Finding true colour images of them is next to impossible. Even several rewatchings of the Blu-Ray edition were of no real assistance.
What they grind down to are: Black skin, off-white fangs and signature glowing red eyes.
The orc in the right rear is holding the original ‘Tin-opener’ spear. One of the most effective ways to make the monopose orcs look more varied is to swap out some spear-tips. Donor models include Citadel plastic Zombies, some Skaven handweapons, and several unidentified pointy bits. Several old Nick Lund-sculpted Grenadier orcs were added to taste (originals, rather than the new run of the range from Mirliton.)
The colour scheme is simplicity itself. Based black, they were simply drybrushed in a variety of dull khakis, greens and beige, chosen at random. (The Vallejo Model Colour range has a large assortment of such drab shades, designed as it is to serve military modelling. There was no need to be consistent, because the orcs in the film are not consistent from one frame to the next. Over this was applied a wash of black and sepia ink, and the skin was touched up with black. Any highlights that have appeared are entirely a by-product of the thinning of the skin coat. In keeping with the animation, bare wood was rendered grey. Metalwork was done in a more traditional fashion though, lest the blades and spearstaffs blend in too much with the basing.
Finding a suitably ugly Balrog might be difficult, but the scribe suspects one could be constructed from a pound shop toy action figure.
(Though what he really wants is the Citadel version.)
But, pending the location of an awesome Valaraukar, it is to the Nine that we turn for leadership.
Suitably horny and unsettling Nazgul were suggested by the omnipresent all-seeing Eye and resident Tolkienophile of North Star Miniatures, Nick Eyre; a pair of Frostgrave Wraith-Knights
Extra horns were applied for effect, cadged from a box of Chaos Warriors and the paint scheme is even more simple. One imagines that complicated tonal effects could be used here, OSL and the like, but the scribe deemed it unnecessary. However, they may make a good base for future experimentation. After all, in the film, the nine as Black Riders are rendered in traditional animation techniques, and are somewhat less psychadelic, whereas when Frodo finally puts on the ring at the Ford of Bruinen we witness the true visage of the Nazgul . Paintingwise, the same process as the Orcs was followed, substituting the beiges for slightly brighter greens, with a number of washes of Green ink, and a highlight of GW Moot Green.
This time, the source miniatures are Oathmark plastic Goblins, who received a combination of the Bakshi scheme of dull khakis, black ink and so forth, and also the shiny black scheme that appeared on these Alternative Armies Goblins. They may well end up serving in the same army.
At least 50 more EM4 orcs await completion, not to mention sundry Mithril, a pile of random goblins from all manner of places, Warg riders, even a troll or four. (YES, WE HAVE A CAVE TROLL.), giant spiders, and perhaps even a dragon. Future Oathmark releases also include plastic Orcs and Wolf Riders, so they too will be added to the burgeoning masses.
*Argue if you dare. Tell us it isn’t brilliant, precioussss, and we’ll send HER round your house. She’ll eat your dog, gollum, gollum.
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